Sheen: Still Loco

Pug wars at Camp Sheen. Sadly, ex-wife Denise Richards was the tirade target this time. My heart goes out to that woman. Not only did he put her through that whole fiasco at the Plaza hotel back in October (when naked, cracked-out Charlie tore the room apart and the hooker locked herself in the loo... yeah, that fiasco... they're all kinda merging into one big lump of ka-ray-zay now, right?), but now he's pissed that she won't let her treasured Pugs stay at his home anymore.

Why? Because Sheen recently neglected one so badly that it died. Next!

Unfortunately, Crackie, I mean Charlie, won't let it go. He recently unleashed the following rant via Twitter:

"We must bombard with Warlock Napalm, that traitor and loser whore #DUH -neese POOR-ARD. A VILE KIDNAPPER AND NOW DOG THIEF. HATE."

Then he added: "Like a Dinosaur Stampede from middle earth RAGING atop Col. Kilgore's main rotor, our assault must be EPIC. The Truth is our rocket fuel. c."

Wow, Charlie. "Duh-neese Poor-ard." You have officially reached eight-year-old boy status. Fail.

Another Nail Debacle for Foxy Brown

Foxy Brown's fingernails bring problems. This time, she was kicked off a Royal Caribbean cruise because she went nuclear after missing her manicure-at-sea appointment.

When she showed up three hours late and the salon wouldn't accommodate her, Foxy fah-lipped the hell out.

Security reportedly removed her from the salon then banished her to her room, where she remained under supervision until the ship docked a couple days later in the Cayman Islands, where she was booted off the boat. Supposedly, she was then escorted to an airport and flown home.

If you recall, Foxy faced assault charges in '04 due to allegedly attacking two nail salon workers. Then, in '07, she allegedly assaulted a beauty store employee.

Kanye West tweets are my antidepressant

If you're ever feeling down, hit up Kanye West's Twitter.

A few gems:

I jog in Lanvin

Hold on.... I'm bout to hop on this #BABYMAMAJET the jets Billionaires give to they baby mamas or they 1rst 2nd or 3rd wife.

Dating models I had to learn to like small dogs and cigarettes

It ain't happen to me but I know people

Context is everything... something good taken out of context can become bad

Exes never change

Weekend Edition

Gotta make this quick, kids. Yo tengo very crabby eyes. This leads me to our first topic.

1. At long last, the first day of Spring has arrived. So lovely. So sneeze-inducing. So inspiring. Welcome, spring.

2. Sheen for President

The Huffington Post - Charlie Sheen for President? He may just need to pick a party and, he'd be, duh, winning.

The headline grabbing, now former sitcom star was placed in hypothetical election match ups with President Obama and former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin by Public Policy Polling, on behalf of the Wall Street Journal. Whether it says more about the partisan divide or the public's fondness for Sheen, the star had some resounding success in the polls.

When given the choice between Palin and Sheen, Democratic voters choose the Sober Valley Lodge over Wasilla, Alaska; Sheen defeats Palin 44-24 amongst Dems. Similarly, in an Obama vs. Sheen election, Republicans would take the actor 37-28.

Most remarkably, it's not just partisan in some cases; Sheen defeats Palin amongst political independents, 41-36.

Read the rest of the story here.

3. Happy birthday, Fred McFeely Rogers (March 20, 1928 – February 27, 2003... i.e., dead). No wonder he went with Rogers. I imagine McFeely ranks pretty damn high on the list of Worst Children's Show Host Names Ever. Welcome to Mr. McFeely's neighborhood, kids! Ew.

Franco, Franco everywhere.

Does anyone else feel like there's a little too much James Franco going around? Dude's everywhere.

Perhaps I'm jealous. Stranger things have happened. I would, indeed, like to be a better multitasker... and nobody--and I mean nobody--multitasks better than Franco.  Not only is he an actor, model, music producer, bar owner and college lecturer, but he's now a college course.

You read that right; he is his own college course. Master Class: Editing James Franco... with James Franco is the name of the Columbia College Hollywood class. According to the curriculum, editing students will create 30-minute documentaries from video footage from Franco's career. Students will work under the guidance of--you guessed it--Mr. Franco.

I'll stop here before I have a Francoverdose.

Beckhams: It's a Girl!

At long last--after three boys--David and Victoria Beckham are having a little Spice Girl. That's pretty damn cute news. Congrats!

My Epic Ash Wednesday Failure

It's Ash Wednesday, and you know what that means... or do you? For some people, it's a complete mystery. Here's an extra-stupid little story about how I learned about Ash Wednesday.

My parents raised me without religion. For this, I'm quite grateful -- thanks, Mom and Dad. It allowed me to figure it all out on my own. However, I didn't start that process until college, when I took several religion classes, eastern and western, to see what it was all about. Thus, prior to college, I was quite clueless about it all.

Flashback to the early 90s... this was pre-college. I found myself backstage at a Ratt concert. Please shut-up immediately. I don't need your mocking, thankyouverymuch. It was 20 years ago, for cryin' out loud.

Anyway, there I was backstage, thinking I was a total bad-ass, and in walks the head Ratt, singer Stephen Pearcy.

He starts working the room, mixing it up, signing autographs, flirting with the ladies and doing the rockstar thing. He walks up to me and I notice he has a smudge on his forehead.

"Wait, hold still," I instructed as I placed my thumb against the offending smudge and began vigorously wiping it off. "You've got some dirt on your forehead."

Yes, I did.

I had no idea that 1.) it was Ash Wednesday, or 2.) what Ash Wednesday even meant.

I received a very quick Ash Wednesday tutorial from the not-remotely-pleased Ratt master Pearcy, then he sauntered off as far away from yours truly as he could possibly get. That was my cue to exit the backstage area, pronto.

And that, my friends, was how I learned about Ash Wednesday.

This gives all new meaning to the lyrics from the Ratt song, You're in Trouble:

And I will only tell you once/You're in trouble/What are you gonna do?/You're in trouble/I got a finger on you/You're in trouble

True story. FML.

Celeb Rehab Scandals!

It's a hotbed of WTF?!? in the Celebrity Rehab camp...

1. Mike Starr, former Alice in Chains bassist, was found dead yesterday at a home in Utah, where he was arrested a few weeks ago for illegal possession of prescription narcotics. Let's hope he's in a better place now; dude had 'tortured soul' written all over him.

2. White House Party Crasher and former DC Real Housewife, Michaele Salahi, was fired from Celeb Rehab's current filming because it turns out... wait for it... she doesn't really have an addiction. Pow! Faaabulous!

3. Celeb Rehab staff called 911 on Bai Ling because, apparently, she was on the Pasadena Recovery Center roof and there was concern for her safety. She reportedly came down sans incident. Two words: publicity stunt.

Borrr-innng.

Now, we'll pause for a Busey break

In honor of completely insane actors, I've compiled this list of my fave Gary Busey quotes and acronyms. 1. "You know what 'DOUBT' stands for? It stands for `Debate On Understanding Bewildersome Thoughts.'"

2. “My dark side, my shadow, my lower companion is now in the back room blowing up balloons for kids' parties."

3. "You know what 'SOBER' stands for? It stands for `Son Of a Bitch, Everything`s Real!"

4. "When you get lost in your imaginatory vagueness, your foresight will become a nimble vagrant."

5. "You know what 'ROMANCE' stands for? It stands for `Relying On Magnificent And Necessary Compatible Energy.'"

6. "Your imagination is the hood ornament on your car of creativity."

7. "You know what 'FEAR' stands for? It stands for 'False Evidence Appearing Real.' It`s the darkroom where Satan develops his negatives."

8. "There has got to be more to life than being a really, really, ridiculously good actor."

Gary Busey would totally kick Charlie Sheen's ass in a fight.

You know it's true.

It was only a matter of time...

Behold! The Charlie Sheen song, Bi-Winning. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0NIMTPYYcU&feature=player_embedded#at=32]

This crazy Sheen fiasco is, by far, the best scandal we've had in years. Thanks, Charlie! Love you, man.

Winner!

Joy to the world!

Not only is Charlie Sheen a bitchin' warlock, he's also a poet.

I'm NOT making this up. Google it.

Written in the early 90s, A Peace of My Mind is, sadly, out of print, but here's a tidbit for ya':

On Deaf Ears, by Charlie Sheen

Did you say Cancun

Or caboose?

I don't know,

I was in a blackout, man.

New Celebrity Rehab Line-up Brings the Yawns

The fifth season of Celebrity Rehab began taping Wednesday. Patients include...

actress Bai Ling

douchebag Michael Lohan

White House party crasher, Michaele Salahi. Husband Tareq is housesitting for Lohan during rehab... no joke... you can't even fabricate funnier stuff than this!

former Baywatch kid, Jeremy Jackson (pictured with Baywatch alum, Donna D'Errico)

... and former MLB pitcher, Dwight "Doc" Gooden.

That's it?

Wake me next season.

Somebody Took Too Much Charlie Sheen

Please waste a few seconds of your precious time on my top ten list of Charlie Sheen quotes (thus far).

1. "Let's hook up and just bring fiery death."

2. "If you're a part of my family, I will love you violently."

3. "I drink water through my eyes."

4. "I am on a drug; it's called Charlie Sheen. If you try it, your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

5. "They picked a fight with a warlock."

6. "I'm so tired of pretending my life isn't perfect and bitchin'."

7. "It was so gnarly, I can't remember."

8. "Go back to the troll hole where you came from."

9. "I'm rolling out magic, bro."

10. "I don't think people are ready for the message I'm delivering."