Marry Me, J. Nettles!

A note to Mr. Brown: I'm running away with J. Nettles and there's nothing you can do to stop me. He is my new favorite person. Call me Lisa Nettles and call it a day.

j._nettles

 Please click on that graphic to learn about J. Nettles. 

In a nutshell, he writes about editing with gusto. Best part ever: Everything---beginning right at his review title---about his otherwise-honest op-ed regarding the industry is bad... and then it gets worse. I love it so much.  It's among the things that make this country great. 

Call me, J. Nettles! Call me! 

Fail of the Day

Faux Pas of the Day

Warning: TMI.  Whilst showering this eve, I thought it might be nice to go the extra mile in the grooming department. After all, it's the husband's birthday. While a wild, steamy romp isn't necessarily in the works for this heavily pregnant couple, I could at least wear something cute for sleepwear tonight.  

So, with razor in one hand and a hearty dollop of shaving cream in the other, I went to work. Though I can't remotely see past my belly anymore, I figured I knew my nether regions well enough to do a decent job. After all, I've been doing this for decades, dahling. 

I am mortified to report that my crotch now looks like Gary from Team America: World Police when he wore his terrorist disguise. Derka-derka. It's BAD. 

I'm making an appointment for bikini sugaring. Only the pros can save this mess. 

Sigh. 

Happy birthday, hubs. Woo! 

Pregnant women (not to mention all the big gurls and potbellied men), learn from my mistake---don't try this at home. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIlG9aSMCpg&feature=related

Etiquette Lesson of the Day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=pLA1UelcDrE#!

Jared Leto Named GQ's World's Worst-Dressed Man

Not the best week for Jared Leto. 

Monday, he turned 40. Yesterday, GQ anointed him as the World's Worst-Dressed Man. 

Here's the nitty-gritty from GQ: 

"He's flaunted nipples through mesh shirts. He's worn skirts about as frequently as pants. He's rocked a mullet. He is the Worst-Dressed Man in the World. Look, it's not that Jared Leto, the actor and 30 Seconds to Mars frontman, doesn't try. He tries too damn hard. Don't get us twisted, Jared, we like you, we think you're good at one of your day jobs. But consider this philosophy from legendary dandy Beau Brummell: 'A gentleman should never be noticed for the singularity of his dress.' What we think he means is, try not to look like a dick."

Rock on, Jared. 

Remember Meatless Monday?

Oh, Meatless Monday --- we hardly knew ye!

I barely made it three months, I think. It's been so long since I fell off the MM wagon that I can't exactly remember. 

Damn it, meat! Why must you taste so delicious! I know it's wrong, but it tastes so friggin' right. Meeeeeat, leave me beeee! At least on Mondays, OK? 

Should I make a total mockery of Meatless Monday and try do it again? Perhaps DJB will help keep me on the straight and narrow. He might like Meatless Mondays. As always, I'll keep you posted. 

Did you take the Meatless Monday challenge? If so, how are you doing? Hopefully better than I. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpziz8cJMaI

The Hungry Husband

After a large brunch and several mimosas, DJB needed more.  First, a Wendy's Frosty, slayed in the blink of an eye. 

Also on the binge menu: powdered donuts. Witness the evidence in the corner of his mouth.

I'd just checked the mail. Our marriage license arrived from Taos county. This was as much happiness as he could muster, as he's beginning to feel the food.

Deal sealed. I'm officially married to this powdered prince. Have mercy. 

He's been near-comatose on the couch for the last several hours. He's pretty miserable. Perhaps I should offer him a Twinkie or something. 

Embarrassing Salahi Photo-Op of the Day

This one is seriously cringe-worthy, dahling.  Click here to see a new staged photo of our pal, Tareq Salahi, shopping for... wait for it... electric guitars. Yes, guitars: The exact same instrument his estranged wife's paramour, Neil Schon, plays in the awesome rock band, Journey.

Great idea, Tareq. Perhaps if you learn to play well enough, AND you manage to score a gig playing lead in a wildly-successful, touring rock band, your wife will come back to you. Don't stop believin', sir. 

Oh, Tareq. Ohhhhhh, Tareq. You've gotta stop it, man. You look like an absolute moron. Stop. Go quietly, I say. We implore you. 

Click here to see the pic. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9iIdZDbbFg

Saturday Night Lameness

We totally missed Mother Death Queen at Blackbird last night (Sorry, Cara!). We'll be at the Thursday night show -- see promo above. 

We did have a lovely early evening dog walk with Dominic of Dead on Point Five, however. Does this mean we still rock? Yes, I totally think it does.

Here's Dom and his band of not-so-merry misfits:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phMB5zH0m6o

UPDATE (9/19/11): Mother Death Queen will NOT play Thursday, Sept. 22 at Launchpad. Keep ya' posted on upcoming dates. 

Whitest Sorority Girls of the Day

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znrpSAjh_4Y&feature=player_embedded#!] I made it through 48 seconds of this University of Alabama sorority recruitment video. I'll try for more later. I don't have high hopes, however. 

"What house should you pledge?" the Alabama girls sort of rap/sing.

My response: "Pledge the Shut the F**k Up and Never Attempt to Rap and/or Sing Again house. Just shut up and drink, WASPS!" 

Gotta give the girls props, however: Apparently, their aural assassination of a pledge promotion worked. The school's rush week has seen a record number of potential pledges... thus proliferating the minions to create more videos. Sororities. Ugh. 

My fave YouTube comment regarding this video: "This is f**king embarrassing. I love this school, but this is why people can't stand these s***heads." 

Apology

I'd like to issue a sincere, heartfelt apology to my beau, DJB, for enduring months of me talking like that damn talking dog in that stupid Ultimate Dog Tease video I posted May 10.  [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw]

"Yeah? Yeah?" I say, trying to contain my laughter. "What was in there? Covered it with what? The maple kind, yeah." I say whilst chortling in a very self-satisfied manner.

Jackass Jones over here. I have zero control. I hate quoters. I've become a total quoter. WTF!?

All the while, with every episode, DJB remains cordially stoic. He never criticizes my asinine quotes, nor does he encourage me to utter/chortle them. Good move, sir. I'm aware of my problem, but might need help conquering it. My recommendation: a new viral video to quote! 

This one isn't new, but it sho' is new to me! Woooohoooo! 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJIYWQhT_jU&feature=related]

DJB: I apologize in advance. "I want my ma-ma" is the new maple bacon, darling. 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Q84oP5JilU]

(Loving consideration for this post provided by my sister, Kelly, who adores talking animals.)

Fail!

Click here to view one of the best/worst editorial errors I've seen in a while.  That Auntie Chai was one ollllllld lady. 

Violation!

Not only does this refined gentleman's attire violate his dignity, but it also violates the U.S. Flag Code.  In 1942, Congress issued the code with the goal of protecting and respecting the flag. Sections 8d and 8i of the code state that the flag should not be used "as wearing apparel, bedding or drapery." Nor should it "be printed or otherwise impressed on paper napkins or boxes."

Good news, though: Don't worry that your flag bikini might end up getting you arrested. The code is a guide, not a law. 

NO! No-no-no-no-noooo!

Why is this still happening?!? I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, dahling, but here goes: The Real Housewives of New York City's Countess LuAnn de Lesseps has released another single, Chic C’est La Vie. 

If you're familiar with de Lesseps' first single, Money Can't Buy You Class, then you basically know what to expect from her latest offering. The good news: there is no good news. The bad news: it's worse than the first one.  And, to add insult to injury, fellow housewives Jill Zarin and Kelly Bensimon appear in the video, bouncing and toe-tapping so off-the-charts-awkwardly in their chaise lounges that I simply couldn't finish watching the damn thing. Get ready to cringe like crazy, because here it is: 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_GHgQ9PSII]

For the love of humanity, please knock it the hell off, LuAnn. The ass-kissing, money-grubbing parasites who are telling you this is a good idea are 100% full of shit. Stop. Now. Thanks in advance. 

"Rant" of the Day

Unnecessary quotation marks will likely remain high on the list of Things That Bug the Hell Out of Me 'til I'm dead and gone.  Found this gem at my corner bodega. 

"This" blogger wishes you would've "tried" harder in English "class." It's an eyesore, damn it. 

If you're like me, you'll be mortified-yet-fascinated here, at The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks.

Whaaaat?

Whilst taking a leisurely, holiday bicycle ride, I noticed this strange statement tagged on a portable toilet.  "Do nothing out of love."

I've a hunch author IMV was dumped or somehow otherwise had his/her heart bruised. 

I'm intrigued by the editing. What's up with the less it?

Problems + spray paint = that mess. 

Don't listen to crabby ol' IMV, dahling... do everything out of love. 

In fact, that's now today's credo: 

Do everything out of love. 

*SPECIAL UPDATE!!!*

DJB told me just after posting that the less it is not, in fact, an editorial mark indicating omission, it's simply a shadow on a crease in the Porta-Potty wall; a design feature, if you will. 

Who includes ANY design features in a portable toilet? It's a stupid, sh*t-haulin', portable toilet... just let it be that. This totally nullifies my war with IMV. I am pissed about it. 

So, let's give that g.d. sage, IMV, credit for providing today's credo:  Do nothing less it out of love. 

All flowery with the "less it." Probably having Shakespearean fantasies right now. Sophist. 

I still don't like IMV. Nevah will! There, I said it. 

Joakim Noah in the GLAAD Hot Seat

Chicago Bulls center, Joakim Noah, is under fire for calling a fan in the stands the same name Kobe Bryant hurled at that playoff game last month. As a result, the NBA fined Noah $50,000. That's half of what Kobe had to shell out for his gaffe. Perhaps Noah received a lighter punishment because his dance moves are so fly. See clip.  [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQ3y5hTHuP4]