According to InsideNova.com, an 18-year-old man dressed up in a cow suit stole 26 gallons of milk last night from a Virginia Walmart.
Sources reported the man was crawling while he exited the store, trying to emulate a cow.
That is QUITE enough.
Posts filed under News
High Bacteria Levels Found in Ecola Creek
OregonLive.com - Oregon authorities issued a health advisory today for Cannon Beach, after tests showed high levels of bacteria at the mouth of Ecola Creek.
Bwaaahaha! Sorry about the bacteria in your creek, Oregon, but with that name, it's impossible not to laugh... hard.
Fail!
A 67-year-old Montana man was arrested yesterday for attending a public Easter egg hunt.
Why? He's a convicted sex offender... and one of his victims was at the hunt and recognized him.
He's now being held in a Missoula jail for probation violation.
Ew.
Ow.
At least 24 hardcore--er, devout, that is--Filipinos from the Pampanga and Bulacan provinces engaged in a graphic Good Friday crucifixion reenactment yesterday, going so far as to actually have nails driven into their hands and feet.
It's a Bird... It's a Plane... It's Super Gonorrhea!
Researchers warn that gonorrhea is increasingly developing resistance to all of the antibiotics we have to treat it in the U.S., according to a Yahoo! News report. This could cause the sexually-transmitted disease to develop into a (cue 'dun-dun-dun!' doom music)... superbug. This will, of course, make it very difficult to control the disease. Yikes.
For your viewing pleasure, here's über-hawt Dr. Savage (name = five stars) somewhat awkwardly explaining gonorrhea symptoms. Enjoy! [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZIMx0NT16c]
Next Season of Jersey Shore Will Probably Suck
Why? Because the mayor is a jackass.
Soon, the cast of Jersey Shore will be in Florence, Italy, to film next season's show. Unfortunately, Mayor Matteo Renzi established some ridiculously-stringent rules that almost guarantee a sucky season.
"I will not allow them to use the Palazzo Vecchio or other historic buildings," Renzi said in an Italian newspaper, Corriere della Sera, interview yesterday, "but I cannot ban them from using our city as a set."
Among his other rules:
No shooting in bars, clubs or any place that promotes the reckless consumption of alcohol.
The cast is prohibited from drinking in public on camera.
Florence may not be portrayed as a drinking town.
The cast must interact with authentic Italian people in authentic cultural settings -- thus avoiding the city's hordes of tourists and students.
WTF, mayor!?! We have zero interest in watching Snooki and Co. stroll lucidly along the viali, visit galleries and trattorias (sans vino, of course) and do whatever other boring-ass stuff that falls within your permissible guidelines.
Yawnsville! Take the show somewhere else, MTV. Wait, I have an idea: why don't you film it on the Jersey friggin' shore?
If it ain't broke, don't fix it... bitches.
I am feeling pretty tough. Channeling Sammi Sweetheart.
Sorry for All the Mess
Ugh. A man stabbed himself to death while performing at an open mic night in Bend, Oregon Sunday.
After performing his song, "Sorry for All the Mess," Kipp Rusty Walker, 19, pulled out a 6-inch knife and began stabbing himself repeatedly in the chest.
The audience at Strictly Organic Coffee Company thought it was part of the show and cheered Walker on. It wasn't until he collapsed in a pool of his own blood that they realized it was the real deal. Shortly thereafter, he died from his injuries at a local hospital.
Apparently, Walker was hospitalized for suicidal behavior the month prior to the onstage suicide.
ANOTHER Child Receives a Cocktail at a Chain Restaurant!
A 4-year-old girl was diagnosed with an alcohol overdose after being served a mudslide (alcoholic beverage) rather than a chocolate milkshake at a Chicago Chili's, according to a CBS 2 report.
Click here to read more.
Sir, this ain't no roller derby...
ClickOrlando.com - PALM BAY, Fla. -- A man was arrested Saturday night on suspicion of grabbing girls after knocking them down at a roller skating party in Palm Bay.
Click here to read the rest of the story.
Fabulisa note: This story has one of my favorite news quotes of 2011 thus far...
"(They) put handcuffs on him, and the whole entire crowd, everybody at the Skate Jam, was clapping and applauding the police," Clausen said.
Absolutely PRICELESS. Five stars. Cheers to everybody at the Skate Jam!
Finger-lickin' Ka-ray-zay!
3news.co.nz - A New Zealand man amputated, cooked and ate his own finger with vegetables in an apparent attempt to get doctors to take him more seriously, a report in Australian Psychiatry says.
The case, documented in a report by Christchurch authors Eric Monasterio and Craig Prince and published online, is one of only eight documented cases in the world of self-cannibalism, the Australian Doctor reports.
Click here to read the rest of the story.
It's the Doritos Taco Shell!
Ta-da! Introducing Taco Bell's Doritos Locos Tacos, featuring shells made entirely of Nacho Cheese Doritos. Late-night drunk food at its finest!!!
Sadly, these cheesy sensation is still in the beta phase, and is only available at a handful of Taco Bell locations. We can only hope and pray it will grace a Taco Bell near us ASAFP, my dear fabulistas.
Headline of the Day
OK, I Want to Cry Now.
News.com.au (Queensland, Australia) - A wombat has been diagnosed with depression - after being denied the cuddles and pats he was used to following Cyclone Yasi.
The wombat, named Tonka, shed 20 percent of his body weight as visitors were stopped from visiting his wildlife park home in the eight weeks after Cyclone Yasi tore through northern Queensland, reported the Townsville Bulletin.
Tonka's carers at the Billabong Sanctuary in Townsville spared no expense in vet checks and lab bills as they tried to work out the cause of his mysterious illness.
Billabong Sanctuary manager Brett Flemming said after "forking out some serious cash" they found the problem - and have since nursed him back to health, in time for the repaired park to reopen.
"Tonka was hand-reared by one of our rangers and normally spends a good part of his day with people," he said. "At Billabong he is the star. Everyone wants to visit Tonka."
"After the cyclone he missed the public - the patting, the photos, the cuddles and the endless posing for the paparazzi."
Another toddler served booze... this time at Olive Garden!
This time, a two-year-old boy received sangria instead of orange juice at a Florida Olive Garden. His mother said that during dinner, her young son grew restless, began climbing on the furniture, and getting louder. "I couldn't discipline him," she said in an interview with FOX Orlando, "because he wasn't acting out, he was drunk."
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvD-_rXNR0k]
What in the world is going on at these chains?!? This has to stop. SO wrong. Poor little toddlers.
18,500 Dead Ohioans on Voter Rolls
WTAM.com - Ohio's top elections official says it appears that thousands of voters considered "active'' are anything but.
Secretary of State Jon Husted says a report has found nearly 18,500 dead people on the state's voter rolls.
Records of registered voters were cross-checked with a list of deceased Ohioans maintained by the Ohio Health Department.
The secretary is asking county elections boards to purge those who are deceased from the statewide voter database.
Click here to read the rest of the article.
Now Disco's REALLY Dead
The Smoking Gun -- A California man who used a shotgun to blast the speaker on his son’s stereo will not be facing criminal charges, according to prosecutors. The man told cops that he destroyed the speaker because his 24-year-old son--an aspiring DJ--“was playing his ‘disco’ too loud.”
Stanislaw Jarmolowicz, 53, was arrested last week on suspicion of shooting at or into a building.
Click here to read the rest of this article.
New Mexico Spares the Rod
Mother Nature Network - New Mexico narrowly banned corporal punishment in its schools, joining 30 other U.S. states that have already outlawed the practice.
"The decision on whether or not to use corporal punishment on a child is one that is best left to a parent," said Gov. Susana Martinez, who signed a bill banning the practice.
The ban passed in the House by a vote of 36 to 31 and in the Senate 22 to 17.
Note to Drugstore Cowboys: Ingest Narcotics POST-Heist
MONTEREY, Calif. -- A man was arrested Sunday morning after Monterey County Sheriff's deputies said he broke into a CVS Pharmacy.
According to KSBW.com, when deputies responded to a burglary alarm at the store, they said they found Steven James Cobbs, 19, asleep inside. He was taken to the Monterey County Jail.
Best Place to Date Nerds: Sunnyvale, CA
MercuryNews.com - Pull up your suspenders and straighten your pocket protector because Sunnyvale was just named the No. 1 spot in the nation to date nerds, according to a survey by Match.com.
The survey, released in March, researched the top 10 cities with the highest-educated Match.com members in either technical or educational occupations, and Sunnyvale poindexters came out on top.
Click here to read the rest of the article.
Beer Beats Water for Hydration!
Y100.com - Researchers at Granada University in Spain said drinking beer after strenuous physical activity can be beneficial for the body.
The scientists said their study found beer can help dehydrated people retain liquid better than water alone, The Telegraph, a Biritsh newspaper, reported Friday.
Professor Manuel Garzon, who led the study, said the bubbles in beer can help quench thirst and the carbohydrates in the beverage can help make up for burned calories.