Friday Fabü

Rejoice! It’s rant sesh time again! Get cozy (not too cozy, however … see #3), make— or pour — a nice little snack and absorb the tragedy and wonder of Fabü Fashion Blunders.

Look, we all commit fashion crimes now and then. Just yesterday, I realized I’d spent the whole day walking around with my dress label sticking out. It was a decent label, but doesn’t that actually make it worse? As if I was attempting to silently scream to everyone, “Look at me! I’m wearing Betsey Johnson! I’m posh, OK?!?” Oh, the humanity.

Minor wrinkles (pun intended) aside, we often have total control over our style snafus. There are some errors; however, that seem to be reaching epidemic proportions.

1. Let’s tackle the worst offender first: The dreaded muffin-top. For those who have been away on an extended Mars vaycay, this raging fashion faux pas is when someone wears a pair of too-tight jeans that makes their flab spill out over the waistband, producing a look not unlike a muffin sitting over the edge of the paper case.

Naturally, the resurrection of low-rise jeans and midriff tops are prime contributors to this muffin-top madness. I implore you: Do not wear these togs if your bod isn’t bangin’. Dress for your body type. Focus on the positive. Pick your best assets and design your outfits around them. Capice?

2. You might call them clam diggers, culottes, shpants or pedal pushers; I call them “hell no.” These pants are not your friend; trust me. They make short people appear shorter, and tall people look like growth-spurt rejects from The Little Rascals.

If you’re so committed to this look that it’s become a near-daily staple, however, please, a). hire a fashion consultant; you need more wardrobe variety, or, b). switch to well-tailored capri pants, which are more tapered in the calf and compliment all figures. See? You look gorgeous already.

3. Do not wear pajama bottoms in public. Do not wear pajama bottoms in public. Do. Not. Wear. Pajama. Bottoms. In. Public.

4. Now, we’ll address the full-scale horror of shrimp ‘n’ biscuits. This is the calamitous result of wearing open toe and/or heel shoes that are too small, resulting in the toes and/or heels hanging over the shoe boundary. Thus, the toes resemble cocktail shrimp and the heels look like calloused, oven-fresh biscuits. Mmmm! Doesn’t that conjure the loveliest visual?

As the saying goes, “If the shoe fits, wear it. If the shoe doesn’t fit, think of shrimp ‘n’ biscuits.” That should help you stick with the proper size.

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Posted on September 9, 2011 and filed under Fabü.